After a long time he saw her, not in personal but in her recent book, on a shelf in Crossword. Strange! She still looks beautiful as she was 5 years back in college.
‘I should not think of her much’ he thought, ‘but why not?’ He asked to himself, ‘what if she is still single, not engaged then?’
He carefully took the book on his hand, read name of the book, not once-twice or thrice but more than ten times before turning the cover. ‘If I get any contact information, I must contact her’ he mumbled, ‘she also must be thinking of me as I’m thinking of her’ suddenly his face changed, ‘maybe, she has forgot me, or if it’s true then?’
He softly turned the cover, and saw the first page, with her photo. He thinks, if I weren’t poor, if I had a well paying job in government sector, she would be mine. Noe after years what all I could do is just think of her and regret on my past.
‘Is this poverty, I’m facing in my life, because of any curse or it is earned one?’ He asked himself. ‘What if I were like other people looking for financial security, doing job, getting married, having kids, spending life fulfilling requirements of family, and finally to die? …no no! I can’t be so. I rejected to be a slave so that I may pursue my life freely, but this life without money-fame-name is really living in Hell.’
He turns the pages of the book and his past reveals itself to him. He was born in not-so-well-living family. Spent his childhood with village kids and uneducated people. He didn’t know why he wanted to study for. He managed to get higher education but got failed to bag job in government sector though he had tried for Civil Service. He knew she loved him. Not only he but almost everyone of their area knew about the love between them but he never loved her. She was just a friend for him while she was mad for him. He left to another city for higher education but why, he didn’t know. They didn’t contact to each other for more than two years and he moved to capital city to study more, and when he came back, found her married and pregnant lady. Na, he was not sad. She never been his love, but she was sad.
‘Being ambitious was not my fault. Ok I couldn’t be a civil servant but I’m also not a slave. I’m though still unemployed and depending on family for money, but I’m free from social-traditional-religious dogmas. I’m mentally free. So what if I’m financially dependent? I’m not cursed to be poor. I’m not poor, I just don’t have money’ he thought, put the book in shelf and left to the main door.
His face was reddish but without any emotion. His eyes were open, forgot blinking, searching nobody but looking at the emptiness on the sky.
‘Is this sky a living being?’ He questioned himself, smiled on his own question, and assumed as if he was a bacteria or virus like small living being on earth and entire the globe was a living being with all its stuffs. ‘I’m making this world dirty. I’m though part of this world, this universe, but still I’m something which is not obliged to follow all its rules. I’m part of human society but I don’t think me an human being. I was just born in human family, my parents were human being, but I never claim to be an human being.’ He became so worried ‘Then what I’m? Who am I?’
Staying inside entire the day is boring. It creates depression if you are unemployed and have nothing to do. Playing games and chatting on net is not the solution. But yes it’s the time he enjoys his own company. He sees and observes himself. This is when he comes to know what his mind speaks to him, what sorts of desires he have.
‘Is it devil resides inside me? Or I have a mind governed by evil thoughts?’ He mumbles. Trying to observe waves he suddenly became silent and found a divine emptiness with peace in his mind.
‘No no, not that. I didn’t want peace. I don’t need emptiness. This emptiness, this peace is fake. It’s all fake!’ He shouted and walked away towards unknown area where he may have never been before.