I may look carefree or you can say I’m careless man. But I’m non of both. Gi Gong was a carefree man. He is considered an enlightened one too. One has to be having much courage for being like him. I respect the enlightened man. Let’s see when and how the time comes. If I have to fece the time ‘now’ at this time? I’m not ready. I’m not prepared right now. I’m weak today. But I won’t be weak forever. Ok it happens sometimes. I’m not in control always. Yes it’s quite dangerous.

Once I was in Western Express Highway Metro Station (Andheri East), to get metro for DN Nagar. Suddenly a lady fell down in front of me. I stepped towards her to help for getting up but stopped. My mind reminded me ‘I’m a man and she is a woman between 25 – 30 (I guess). She might have thought I was being hero by pretending to help her, or other people there might have thought me  touching her with bad intention. My mind stopped me to help her. I stayed there in front of her for less then 5 seconds and moved towards the platform. This incident happens last year and it sounds not so important that I should remember for so long.

Few days ago I was talking with my Chinese friends and I can’t remember why I had to share this incident with them. Chi Chi and Melody said the mind went forward to help the lady is my Buddha Nature but second mind stopped me to help her is the mind corrupted with social opinions.

‘What if people would think me touching her with bad intention? Or maybe she would thought me just pretending nice to help her?’ I asked.

‘You should be prepared for results of your karma. Maybe she would support you if other people would thought you touching her with bad intention. You should have followed what your first heart ordered you’ She replied, ‘If you are stuck with public opinions then you are not brave. B-R-A-V-E’ she added.

I didn’t promise them to follow my Buddha Nature next time. It really needs courage to follow your heart. Being free from all what is right of wrong, good or bad, is not easy. To become your true self is not so easy. I wonder how this Kanhaiya dared to oppese and fight against government. Sham Ji like people who are working for labourers in poor colonies in New Delhi, Himanshu Kumar ji who is working for upliftment of tribals in Chattisgarh, Sini Sori… and the list may go long! These people are are not common men. They are truly honest to their self. I’m nothing compared to them. They are really Living their lives while I’m just being deef for my inner voice.

My carelessness is not true. I’m too afraid, scared, and shivering by fear inside. I have been honest to others to carry my fine image but I have never been honest to myself. Really, being honest to self is courageous and one who follows his heart is one standing on ‘stone of truth’ according to Sardar Purn Singh. He himself was a great scholar, belonged to a rich family, and left all to taste his life! Buddha couraged to ‘escape’ from family & society. Yes, at first sight it looks he fled to jungle because he didn’t want to participate in local battles of Koliya, Shakya & other states. Fleeing from home is also a courageous step, Rahul Sankrityayan says in ‘Ghumakkadi Shaastra’. I never been so courageous. My parents didn’t allow me to be rebellious. Even when I want to go to Jabalpur, my father wanted to see me off. I asked to go to Delhi for coaching but my parents sent me to Mumbai to seek permission from my elder brother. It was just trick to stop me going to New Delhi and they had wasted my four precious months. And after that I was sent to a younger brother of my elder brother’s friend. Means, ‘dependent’!! I really hate those days!!

I wish, I could live an independent life. As a freeman. One who is by himself only. I wish, I could respect myself. There is just a little difference between me and my freedom, and I know that, but leaping that small distance has been impossible so far. I sometimes think it would be better if I had stayed in Delhi and found some work there.

I may look carefree or you can say I’m careless man. But……………


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