Eve Of My 34/35th Birthday

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Life is not good if you are not living as you want to live. Time is floating like river without any dam over it, and we are cursed to observe it helplessly. Tomorrow I’m turning 35 (35 or 34 I’m not sure and I dont want to count past years I had been spending so far). Great Han didn’t celebrate his birthday because he thought it was a day he caused pain to his mother. He would observe his birthday as penance. I’m just not interested even to remember the day. I dislike, yes I dislike the day very much!

Everything comes to me when my enthusiasm comes to die. I was born too late in my family and this is why I’m the youngest one in my siblings. I had been studying lately but left education without completing Ph.D. and lost four months to convince my family to allow me preparing for civil service, failed to crack the exam too.

I spent last years of my mom to let her know about my education. She would thought her 3rd son was most educated one in family. Those three nights and two days I had been crying continuously was the time I experienced depression on its peak. It resulted me lost my attachments with my family. All I wanted my mom in her last few years to realize what sin she has been doing to me!

I came to know that we should leave those people we are not happy with. I started cutting my desires to be fit in my present. Time is ruthless, cruel and having no consciousness. Future is said to be changed by having control over present, but do we have choices? Satre would say ‘Yes you had choice’ and he is right by his theory, but when it comes to take decision under given circumstances, one does what his ‘matter inside’ makes him do.

I really I wonder! After 34/35 years I’m still the same. Really, what a man says and thinks is not him. He actually is what he does, when times comes to perform.

Looking back and feeling proud on past is for tired older people. I don’t look back. I don’t want to look back. I’m scared to look back! There is 34 years old ghost behind me trying to pull me back towards my childhood when I was too young. It is oldest one memory I have. I was somewhere, in hot summer, alone, crying, standing beside one of remaining wall of a ruined old house. Atmosphere was yellowish in colour, and far from me there was a small cyclonic whirlwind. Hot, warm loo in air was willing to kill me. And I was crying, helplessly. I wish, the loo would have killed me that summer or the cyclone would  have taken me away from this world. I didn’t beg for this life!

They say, ‘be like a lion and live for a day.’ Do they know making proverbs and saying is too easy rather than following them? Following heart, staying and nourishing Buddhahood is not so easy my friends! I had been an unsuccessful so far, yet, till now! Sardar Purn Singh was right. He himself was in Nirvana! I just wish to taste that state of mind and my life will be accomplished.

I don’t need thousands of years with pain and sorrows! Let me be there, in that land, and I wish to loose everything I have collected in 34/35 years. In the eve of my birthday I wish to be diluted in peace. My desires and emotions, my consciousness would become part of universal energy and all five elements would absorb my body into themselves. I wish, there would be nothing after my life. No remainings. No rests. Only peace, energy and elements in their real forms!

Love ♡

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