No exercise, no jogging, only eating and walking on roads for no reason, that is what I’m doing nowadays. Ok I know it’s not goot and I should be ready for any opportunity at anytime but words are words and reality is far from practical life.
Though I’m an actor and finding work in acting is different or maybe that needs something else which I dont have. I’m actor because I know how to act, but it’s not enough. Here one who gets work in acting is considered an actor not tje one who knows acting.
When I was doing theatre in Balaghat with Samvet and NKN, and then in Jabalpur with Vivechna, I never had thought to make acting my professional. I’m in this field because I couldn’t become a civil servant. Poet Taaj Bhopali says, ‘Main Taaj Hoon, Mujhe Sir Pe Bitha Le, Ya Gira Is Tarah Ki Zamana Misaal De!!’ (I’m a crown, put me on your head or throw me the way that become an example for others). I’m thrown one! I have become an example for others mostly my nephews, nieces and younger of new generation of my family. I’m an example of educated, unemployed, unsuccessful man who seemed to be having a very bright future in his teenage. Time passed by and future have revealed itself as my present which is depending, silent, hidden, without money, and self respect is just within. Who cares what I think or what I’m inside. My world is inside me which finds itself unfit for the world outside.
They are in a race, in a competition, to be successful, to be good looking, earning money, earning fame. They want respect without respecting others. They want to be hero, centre of attraction, powerful than others. They want to be what they are not. I’m not what I wanted to be.
What “I’m” and what “I want to be” both are different. “Wnat to be” is always in future which is nothing but being created by present. “I am” is my present paving path for “want to be”. Here I am patient and just willing to get sime money not for being rich but to survive and a little better way of life. Focusing on present, what “I am”, makes me find space at moment where I can think and find happiness. Future is there or not I don’t know but here this time is going on second by second that I know and sure about.
Every moment is enough long to spend entire a life until I’m forced to go into future which is nothing but in mind only.
An artist is said to be a freeman which really lives his internal life where he finds his own space and creativity come out. I don’t think I can earn money. I’m financially unsuccessful, broke, failed. All things related to money are far from me and for those all I’m a looser. Is that makes me lesser that others those are financially successful, got fame, enjoying power and celebrity level in society? I have discovered new levels of meditation which might be reached by others too but it was my own journey through which I could attain the levels of my inner life. I have seen 8 different parts of breathing and I was lucky to stay among them.
My achievements and my education have no use to earn money. All those have been seeing my bright future, their dreams disappeared like smoke. There is nothing but ashes are rest as me waiting for the wind may take it with beyond the sky. This is how an story seems to reach on it’s end.