Sobbing Happiness

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People say ‘be happy’.
They say ‘to be happy and happiness comes to you’.
…Causation theory works vis-a-vis, I know but worldly achievements matter for living beings. No fame, no money and cursed to pass the time till the end.

Days are getting passed. No achievements for years. Of course there are some spiritual experiences and achievements but people don’t see that. They value one by bank balance, cars, clothes.. I don’t have anything to show off. What I have is hidden, and useless to earn money.

It was raining today and I was in Dharma class that time. I came out in evening and suddenly felt low. My friend was going to somewhere and said she can’t meet me today.

I have almost left going for auditions. Most of auditions updates I receive are for either females or upmarket boys for which my look doesn’t go match. I face ‘not fit’ many times. I know they don’t unfit my talent but my look. Yes, I was fit for Charlie Chaplain character in Sharon ply’s TVC but it’s rarest case (miracle?).

They are working and I’m not there, I see. I’m here cursing the time and waiting.

They say,
— be patient and things will come to you
— if you wait for the right time, you’ll get what is left by others

People say contradictory words and one needs to have faith on himself for that. Faith on self is often misunderstood with self confidence. Only an atheist can know what is having faith on self.
What to choose and what is to wait for, is depending on self. Here taking desicion is important. Religion doesn’t help here. Sartre is true here. And so I refuse to obey and follow their opinions /suggestions.

They ask:
‘What are you doing? How is going on?’
Are they really worried about me or just formal inquiries?
Definitely, useless talking starts this way.
What to reply then?
Avoiding isn’t better?
….and- person is egoist/ introvert, reserved, closed, etc.

Waiting for what?
The miracle happened last year in June-July (2015). I’m not superstitious. Reasons and causes are always there but if I can’t see and result is there, that’s miracle for me. Something good but unexpected happens and I say the miracle happened.
I’m waiting for the miracle.
Yes. Miracle happens! Results are there, good and unexpected, we can’t see the causes every time.

5th of June,
Sun. 2016
23:56,

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