Mixed Feeling After Shoot

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It was first time I was picked up without audition for any project in my life. It was for a short film and I’m not paid for that. Director wanted to pay me a little money but in our first meeting I said him that I will cooperate without pay because it’s for a short film and not commercial use. Though, after two days’ shooting, I wanted him to pay me but because of my hesitation, I couldn’t ask him for payment. Also I couldn’t request him to provide me work in future or to refer me in his friends’ circle.

I enjoyed the shoot. Their treatment for me was good. I couldn’t be familiar with the team but it was all because of my own hesitation. Generally I’m not the one to initiate for friendship. Well, after the shoot I didn’t feel it was done. Shoot was done so calmly, peacefully. Team was too small, 6 people on first day and 7 people on second day, including the director and me.

Here in Mumbai, nobody remembers someone did good in past. All relations are for short term or with benefits. Without benefits, no friendship lasts long here in Mumbai. I don’t think the director will pay me or refer me to his friends for paid projects. I hope, my behaviour was good, and I didn’t make them irritated. I did my job with my honesty, rest is all depends on the director and his team. He is making this short film for festival and it is a  non-commercial project.

I wanted a miracle to be happen but it would be without pay, I didn’t know that.

I have mixed feelings now. I’m happy because shoot was done nicely. I’m sad because I was not paid. I’m happy because it was first time I did a project without audition, without reference, I’m sad because it was without pay also. I’m happy because they came to me for the project, they approached me, they fixed meeting, they searched me. I’m sad because I couldn’t be friendly with them.

It’s feeling like I did nothing. Without money, work is called ‘begaar’ in economic world. It’s not physics where work is considered with movement in matter by outside force. I can’t be a good businessman. I may become a good actor but earning is still secondary, I feel.

…but I realize now, if I’m picked for the character without audition and look test, it means I can be trusted and they can believe on my skill.

One more thing I came to know about me after this shoot of short film that I can do intense act also. I’m not limited into small character roles, or loud over-acting comic characters, but I also can perform deep intense act on camera. It showed me my range, what I didn’t know really.

Last year, in beginning of rainy season, I was doing Sharon Ply’s Ad, and this year I bagged this short film. In my Charlie’s act for Sharon ply, I was paid well but couldn’t get recognition. Here through this short film, I’m crying for recognition (in my heart). I don’t know the future. After Sharon’s ad I was too hopefull for getting work in south but almost one year completed and I’m still here without fame, without work, with no money. So I’m not hoping to get any fame-name-recognition through this short film. After all it’s for festivals only. It’s not in reach to Normal audience.

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