My mind started thinking and imaginating if I’m old and my life has been spent without any achievement, and I’m regretting why didn’t I live in its way? Why did I stop myself for doing what I really wanted to do?
I’m here again, at present —
I’m not confident
I feel, I’m not wise or intelligent enough
I think me not capable for doing this
People may laugh at me if I ask or do it
People may consider me immoral man
I’m conscious about my image
Maybe friends will become enemies
I’m not so crazy about material success
I feel me satisfied with what I have
I’m like saint
What I had to do?
What I really could have done?
Did I sacrifice my life for other unnecessarily?
I had only one life, and it was done.
I had limited my abilities so that other people could not be my enemies.
I didn’t explore myself because I thought people wouldn’t like it.
My life was driven by ‘what people would think’ which was nothing but just my imagination.
People didn’t care much about me.
I wanted to be famous, popular, but I kept me hidden because I had no courage to face the public – because I was not courageous to bear the results –
Bruno was burnt alive, Tabrez was lynched to death, ..they could not surrender themselves to public opinions. They knew they were right, they had courage to face the time when no-one was there to help them, this bravery is rarely found in human being. Me, as a common man, I don’t have the courage to stay firm on my conclusions.
I’m afraid of —
Police, if someone reports. How would I manage all this?
Blind Minded Crowd, which is nothing but tool cum slaves of their masters.
Clever Officials, who are busy to secure their jobs only.
If I was courageous, I would have left home when I got thought to leave for Delhi. Second, I would find and do job in Delhi instead coming back to Balaghat, Third – looking for the right moment. Hope I won’t miss the chance this time. Who knows if I ever get the chance in future or not.
Why I did not encourage myself to rebel?
I was illusioned by so called social ethics.
I used to be blamed for having characteristics of bad boy, I decided to change the image and so I became fit into image of ‘good obedient son’ for parents.
I have come to know that one has to be one what he has to – no matter he would or not be good for family / society – kne must be what his nature brings him to be. Whenever we try to please others, we lose our originality, and the result we get comes with impurity.
Again – at present :
Almost half of the time has been passed. No contacts, no social nature, no special skills, – and left to survive in dense jungle with animals who eat and drunk money only. I don’t know how to live, how to earn money, how to make friends, how to make girlfriends also, – this is not my real nature! I’m vibrant, violent, impressive, attractive, – this is how I used to live in my childhood before 7th standard in school. Even till 10th standard, I had my real nature survived in me – then I saw decreasing my True Nature and impression on others faded.
Hope to get my Real Nature back before the Last Time Comes. I review my time and I see something I don’t have in my hand, but everything is not destroyed so far – at least, there is Hope! and one thinker says – ‘Until You Are Buried Completely, Don’t Accept Yourself Dead.’
02:33 am Tuesday, 18th October 2016