Spending Days With Fear Of Unknown And Practicing Tai Chi 

​Another day was spent without any achievement. No efforts was done. I have lost faith in auditions. They select artists rarely from auditions only if it is shortlisted one. Walk-in auditions are fake, not all but most of open auditions are fake or for just collecting datas. Most of times I’m not-fit. Those requirements suits me do nor reach to me. All castings for movies are done secretly or through shortlisted auditions. I also keep sending my profile but I rarely get shortlisted for auditions. Few days ago I went to Malad to visit some production houses. In a tv serial production house, the casting director knew me already, she allowed me to give an self-audition. A single take and I was said OK to send me back. Once I asked her if I can bag continuity characters, she politely said me NO.
They who get continuity roles in tv series are, I think, special people. Everyone acting on tv screens is not good performer but they are working successfully, earning fame and money also popularity. They look good. They belong to financially rich families. They wear fashionable clothes, shoes, they speak English, they have style and attitude. I’m one whom watchman laughed on when I said ‘I’m an actor, yes it happened when I reached on set of “Hindwere” web-ad shoot. So, now, sometimes I think there is something people say ‘Luck’ – circumstances with talent.
….and when I was typing above paragraph, I received a msg from Fauziya for an audition tomorrow. She has shortlisted me and I said above ‘I rarely get shortlisted for auditions’ and I still have doubt that the casting person on audition venue may ‘not-fit’ me tomorrow. I don’t wear make-up, I’m just 5’6″ and my look is not upmarket, another fearful thing is “8” number again. Everyone, I feel, is afraid of something or someone. I’m afraid of unknown, fighting, future, …some people are afraid of sin, god, satan, ghosts.. Everyone has different reasons to feel fear. Horror movies are made because some want to be afraid. Maybe they test their courage to face fear. 
Today I went to garden around 7 am. It would be better if I go early and finish my exercise before sunrise. That time before sunrise is comfortable for me to do Tai Chi alone. After 7 am more people come there and I get disturbed. I know just movements, I don’t know applications.

If someone asks me how to use Tai Chi in fight, I can’t teach. I can’t use Tai Chi movements in fighting. It’s like reading all about a place but never been there. Ok, I was taught Tai Chi as meditation and physical exercise but should also know how to use them in general fightings. I must be unbeatable only then I can be considered learned Tai Chi well.
Somewhere I’m weak – physically, financially, mentally, ..to do something or achieve something. I don’t find any spark in me. I’m not ziddi.
Chi Chi asked me that someone is going to receive Tao and if I’m free on that day, I should join. Yes, I want to be there but the ceremony is in Pune and here again my financial weakness limits me. I don’t want them to pay my tickets, especially when I’m not a Tao Monk.
I have done my dinner, and now I should sleep.
22:22 Saturday 7th January 2017


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