Observing thoughts coming in mind and putting them in writing, both are different. In last three days so many thoughts have gone through my mind and I could not collect them on both of my blogs. I wrote them here on memo but didn’t post. I have saved that post in my e-mail. I think it was too private and personal.
I walked too much yesterday and today as well. I have been talking with friends I didn’t talk for long time. I have been feeling that I’m being used. Many times I felt that life has been spoiled and finished. Learning Tai Chi 42. .. I see people are happy. They don’t think so much. They are happy who are financially secured. At least, they do not have to worry about future and living. They are worried about girlfriends, boyfriends, wives, husbands, children, .. When one is free from worrying about surviving on this earth, he uses his energy in creative field. But complaining to whom and for what? Body is tired after much walking uselessly.
I know something in philosophy, I have some thoughts, my emotions are useless, I know some forms of Tai Chi, I know some yogasan, I also know how to meditate, I can do breathing exercises. All these together are not enough to get me even one rupee. All I know have been proved useless.. I also want to be prosperous but not getting any work in acting. If I were One-day Two-day artist, at least I would be earning something. I’m not happy. I have no hope to earn money from this field.
I’m not fit at all auditions for ad. All one-day two-day casting for tv serials are done by coordinators, secondary casting is done by casting directors themselves, and channels with production houses decide primary casting. I’m nobody then. I have no links with casting directors and this is a shame – after four years in Mumbai, no casting person knows me.
I could not go to join my communist friends because without experience of financial life it would be fake to fight for labourers, against capitalism. People are enjoying their lives. They go discos, they celebrate festivals, they enjoy parties, .. I remember Chubba, son of Tira. He didn’t do anything in his life. He spent all his life in our mohalla, no affairs, no fightings, he died old by two weeks illness as poor dog. Municipality people took his dead body.
They are rich, I’m not.
I also wish to wrap up as soon as possible. Living life with honesty is difficult. To be true to self is difficult. I don’t want to be with people but I’m with them is cheating with self, and this is not honesty. An honest one stay honest to self. Honest one is aware about his likes-and-dislikes. He acts accordingly. All, including me, are fake who are something else inside but showing different personality to outside world. They all are fake who are not happy but wearing smile on face. To be honest, one needs to be brave! I’m not brave!
Any miracle only can bag me leading continuity character in t.v. serial. I’m not happy. I want to be happy. They say, happiness is within, ok. They are in job or continually getting work, of course they do work and I don’t.
22:14 Thursday 19th January 2017