15/- for one single roti and sabzi 100/-
I managed to satisfy myself with
just two rotis and Baingan Masala (normal baingan sabzi with different name) and bill was 130/-
I took 130/- from my wallet and paid to the waiter who was shuffling notes to return me change if needed. He took the payment casually and started adjusting notes accordingly.
I searched one 10/- note in my wallet and gave him that was probably not expected by him because my financial poverty can be seen through my clothes, my old sandals and he may have peeped inside my wallet – one 500/- note and some 10/20 rupee notes.
He took that 10/- note, bent a little and greeted with broad smile ‘Thank You Sir’
And when I replied him ‘Welcome,’ I found my Ego got satisfied.
Two rotis are not enough for me. I am still feeling hungry but ego was stronger than hunger.
Ego was not alone. It was hidden behind inferiority that I was feeling when I entered in that restaurant for food.
Next time I wish not to think about wallet before having food in restaurants. They are in heaven who eat and wear well.
I am at the gate, facing outside, ignoring the heaven, I don’t know why.
00:50 Saturday 23rd September 2017
19th of July 2017, evening, I came at Sangharam Mahavihar Nagpur to get Chivar. I got my head shaved on same evening but I was given Chivar on 20th and my Shramner Name is Shraddha Sheel, and since then I became part of Dhamma Rally 2017 which had been concluded on 13rd of August 2017 at Diksha Bhoomi. I also have given a short speech there as a Shramner to share my feelings of these days.
I do not write much these because of shortage of time. My class notes are more useful than my blogs. I will share all pages of my class notes here.
Later on 21st of August we five selected shramners were sent to Zhaan Bhoomi, Chaparda, to learn some special kind of meditation, I will reveal that in another article. There, later some more shramners came to learn the meditation but one by one everyone left Zhaan Bhoomi till 6th of September. I stayed there to complete the training and left for Nagpur on 21st. Today on 22nd, I have left Cheevar and leaving for Pune.
20:38 Friday 22nd September 2017
Everyone knows how to earn money. Everyone earns money. I ignored earning money when I was young and I see now I am too late to realize that I am not good to earn money.
I may do non-profitable work though.
Nowadays, everyone, whom I meet, starts telling me to earn money. They just begin with importance of money for survival. Today, Bh. Karunapal suggested me to take Robe in area so that I will be getting food in my surroundings. He recalled when he had no food for three days and many such difficulties he had to face after getting Chivar.
On 13rd when I was in train to Gondia, three passengers were Buddhists but one of them was cleverer than others. He took voluntarily retirement, got money, placed his only sone on the same job, still taking pension and managing an NGO as a president. His words were ‘wake up and you start spending money.’ Of course he was right. I am stupid.
I remain immatured.
Shafi also is fighting for stable and secured financial life. I am in train with no thought for tomorrow. I have less than one thousand in pocket and two bags only. I have survived on snacks given by Chi Chi and did lunch today at Shailendra’s place. Three packets are still there.
It’s raining outside. The train is supposed to reach Hz. Nizamuddin around 12. I don’t know how to reach Loni Road Buddha Vihar. I don’t know if they don’t accept me as Shramner. I have an optional move in mind to be beck to Mumbai seeking Rahula Bodhi in Ghatkopar. But I don’t want to go to home again.
I met my elder brother on a Chai tapri near Lokhandwala, after coming from Surat. I said I am not interested to talk to him. I was then about to leave, he asked why? I said him to leave then. I am still not happy with them.
22:13 Saturday 15th July 2017
After leaving Mumbai I didn’t want to go to Balaghat but had to take bus from Gondia to Balaghat. I met Shafi only there but didn’t tell him why I was going to Jabalpur. I spent almost whole day there in his clinic and got the bus at 11 pm night yo Jabalpur.
Reached to Jabalpur in early morning. Shailendra came to take me his home. I revealed him my intention to visit Rampur Bouddh Vihar but when we reached there, we found Bh. Karunapal ji was not there but another Monk had 8 years experience who was not authorized to Give Chivar, so asked me to take Robe from Bh. Karunapal and then come under him at Rampur Bouddh Vihar to seek allowance from committee members tomorrow.
We went to Nirbhay Nagar, Ghamapur, to met to Bh. Karunapal who, after knowing my brief introduction (I reminded him we met in 2006-07) he asked me why I want to be Shramner and for how long time. I replied to spent entire Varshawaas. He suggested me to visit Bh. Rahula from Ghatkopar and second option he suggested was Bh. Dhammashikhar from Balaghat because that’s my native place and would be beneficial for future, he said.
I didn’t go to Rampur back. I took my bags and Shailendra dropped me in train to Nizamuddin, I am in. Going to see Loni Road Buddha Vihar, Shahdara, New Delhi if Bh. Ashwaghosh is still there.
20:39 Saturday 15th July 2017
Q. When I you are an enlightened / When you already know the truth, why do you need to go back for that? It is like you are in university and going back to college.
A. 1 – If one has got the certificate without proper study, if one has got the certificate because he could pass the examination, if one has got the certificate because the questions asked in examination he knew – he must go back through books to get all knowledge because what I has got is by luck not efforts.
2 – Causation Theory is applicable visavis. Cause-Act-Result and Result-Act-Cause. I have got the result first, so now I must cultivate myself the same way sages used to cultivate before getting enlightenment.
3 – Just let me go and wish me luck.
I was better than others in rituals. I was (still am) devoted, but when I was living in Fotang, for almost three days, I was feeling sad and sorry. I was feeling like useless person and unwanted guest there though I had been taught that ‘it is family!’ I spent those three days at Fotang to translate the book in Hindi. When I left Fotang, I was sad. I would cry if someone would hand on my shoulders. They gave me some biscuits, dandy, for my travel because they know I am now Pure Vegetarian.
When I left Fotang, I was given some biscuits, candies, on bottle water and one umbrella as well. That was more than enough for me to remind that ‘I am always receiver not provider or giver.’ I was thankful to them and ashamed on myself when I left Fotang on 13rd of July 2017. They say, they have informed to master. They say, I am though enlightened but not strong. I accept. I know I am not good at communication.
16:18 Friday 15 juny 2017
I was asked ‘you do anything, any job, any work, be coolie, but earn money.’ I said, ‘either I will get projects for street plays or I will leave to Jabalpur.’ Deadline was 30 June 2017.
I was asked again, ‘what is going on?’
‘Then do something!’
‘I will leave to Jabalpur’
‘What is there in Jabalpur? You have some planning?’
‘You no need to think about it.’
And, finally, on Guru Purnima, I left home!
It was not a decision I took suddenly. I had been looking for dates, because I had been being humiliated, feeling embarrassed, losing self respect. I had feelings of unsuccessful, failure, defeated and I had to face it everyday and sometimes if front of others.
Chi Chi asked me if I would like to come to Surat with them. I agreed, and on 8th at Guru Purnima, I though left home but went to Surat not Jabalpur. I informed my Chinese friends that I have left home and would go to Jabalpur after coming from Surat. In Surat they suggested me to get job. When we came back, I was ready to go but they asked me to stay one night and then during dinner was tried to convince that I should not leave. They had given me a book months ago to translate, I was asked to complete that. I stayed there at Fotang, 10 to 13 June and on 13rd at 1 pm I left for Gondia. I am in Balaghat now at Shafi’s clinic. I didn’t know the train to Jabalpur is not running and I have to take bus for that.
After Guru Purnima, I am floating like a dead & dried leave on earth. I have no choice, no thought of tomorrow. Future seems buried, and past has been disappeared. Present is just this.
I have got mobile charger and time at Shafi’s clinic, to write all these. Don’t know when to publish.
15:38 Friday, 14 July 2017