22nd May 2017

It was my first time I was in Gujrat, Valsad yesterday. I had a lot time to think and study but I had just passed whole day sitting on chair under a tree. Initially I revised Fotang rituals in my mind and later I had been sitting and walking on same place. I went to washroom twice  and did not visit the program venue for a minute. My outer appearance was not good. I was also feeling hesitant to talk to other workers of kitchen. They offered me breakfast contained with onions that I could not refuse. Later they asked me to have lunch but I ate around 4 p.m. only puri and chatni and dinner after 10 p.m., puri with carrots and cucumber to maintain pure vegetarian. It was also a test if I could practice pure vegetarianism and I got 80%. Whole day and till 11 p.m. night I was sitting on chair under the tree. I didn’t make new friends who can help or remember me in future. I didn’t socialize with them.

As a Walky-Talky attendant it was my first time to do this work. Workers were already experienced and knowing about Walky-Talky. The caterers’ boss used to use nice words for ladies like ‘Ben, Behan, Pativrata.’ His son and daughter-in-law also helped him. He and his son, both smoke but son doesn’t smoke in front of father. Father also knows that but the good thing is, father doesn’t make his son ashamed and feeling guilty for smoking. The boss was really having good understanding. He had an eye on everyone who had done food or not. 
I had much to talk yesterday but now cannot remember. I did not write yesterday because I had to save mobile battery. I want to sleep today though no updates for auditions are on Whatsapp groups.
12:36 p.m. Monday 22nd May 2017

Me as a Dragon in my Dream

Today, (17th of May 2017), early morning I dreamt that Chi Chi, Melody and me were somewhere. They were standing under a tree but everything was also green.
I was sleeping on grasses under the sky. Suddenly I felt small transparent snakes not more than 5 inches are crawling there. Chi Chi started taking pictures of those small snakes in her mobile phone while I was afraid and running away from them.
Gradually number and size of snakes increased and I tried to keep my feets away from them. I found me two wings came out of my shoulders, my hands and legs were there but a long tail also appeared. I had become a big red coloured snake like Dragon. I was not transparent like other snakes there. I could not see my face but tail and wings only. I hated those snakes and flied away in the sky far from Chi Chi and Melody.
23:56 Wednesday 17th May 2017

10-15 May 2017

I had been so busy these days that I could not write any posts here. Two eye-catching incidents happened recently –

Riots in Saharanpur, started on 5th of May 2017

Mother’s Day on 14th of May
Recently I have come to know about Bhim Army or Bhim Sena in Saharanpur which has emerged as a social organization to help Dalits of Northern Indian Region. It’s has no outside political or financial support. Dalits still have to face insults in their daily life. Some other people of Valmiki community has threatened to be Muslims if they are not treated respectfully by other Hindus. Bhim Army is an organization which Dalits really needed against Hindu extremists, Bhagwa Terrorism and Upper Caste Hindus.
All media is their. Saharanpur is burning, news is there on Google, in newspapers, but TV NEWS is busy praising Modi and Yogi. If it’s no report related to Modi and Yogi, it starts provoking feelings against Pakistan. They woke up last time for  Dalits of Una after three weeks, I don’t know when these TVnews channels, Modi and Yogi will wake up for Dalits of Saharanpur!
It was Mother’s Day yesterday. I had celebrated the day with a small cute Tao community. My performance was not good but I enjoyed rest of programs by others. The celebration was better than last year celebration of mother’s day.

It’s again proved that Amit and Me can’t present a good performance. My superstition is still there. The speech of DCH supported my thinking that heaven and hell are nothing but state of mind, she said that in her encouragement to us.
Today, with no fix plan I left for auditions. In 128 part-1, I was said Fit, later I was said Not Fit. I came back to home. Met some friends in evening but I was sad, could not talk much.
23:09 Monday 15th May 2017

Helpful Tai Chi 

Rudeness in talking comes,

if one is disturbed, 

Unsatisfied inside.
It’s important to know

If you are rude or your way of talking is rude.

Maybe you have not achieved that what you have been expecting to.

Your dissatisfaction with what you have earned in your life

Also makes you doing what you do, how you do.

Karma, or all other factors are also there.

Family, friends, surrounding or loneliness makes one careless about society.

Carefreeness is actually frustration towards people and society.
Then politeness come like helplessness.

You are not dominating because you don’t dare to order people.

You are no authoritative.
In that case,

You are

Defeated!

Lost!!

Almost Dead!!!
*
Tai Chi helps to deal with all this.

Tai Chi helps to know the formless, nameless, thoughtless, emotionless.

The light is there with 

No emotions, 

No thoughts,

No names,

No forms.

You find yourself with everything.

All material things are there with their real look.

All forms are results of that formlessness.

And suddenly you are caged again in projected reality –

And you find that you are not free yet!
*
21:15 Thursday 5th May 2017

Formless Is Cause Of All Forms!


“Formless Is Cause Of All Forms”
..it’s proved today, for me.
I can say – 
1 – All physical things are just results of the Formless.
2 – All physical things are illusions of the Formless.
3 – Truth is Formless.
4 – Truth can be felt. 
4a – Its totally matter of personal, individual’s experience.
4b – Individual’s personal experience can be seen and felt by others too.
4c – Other’s inside can be felt and seen by individual.
5 – True language doesn’t have words.
5a – True Language is Language of Symbols, Hints, Shakun, Feelings, sometimes Thought also.
6 – Formless is inside Everything.
6a – Formless is True and Everywhere, Everything.
7 – Emotions, Thoughts, Karma, exist.
7a – Emotions, Thoughts, Karma.. are stronger than Things exist in Forms.
*
It was not just a game but something helped me to spear deep inside my mind that has destroyed my illusion.
Though I knew the True Heart, True Way, but this was not felt so deeply I had today.

The experience I had today has made me more focused on it.

Now I feel, it’s almost automatic and easy to be focused on Heart.

So many things are now clear.
Some months old my little niece is crying, my sister-in-law is trying her to be happy. I feel, I can see everything.
*
Now I feel – 

if I die right now this time, I may die with satisfaction in my eyes, smile on my face.
21:21 Sunday 23rd April 2017

Eve of Birth Anniversary

1. First you be free from all emotions or stay balanced emotionally.

2. If any of your emotions is on high, don’t talk to me.
3. All emotions are strong enough to make you crazy.

4. You will never get it until you lose me.
5. I don’t want to call you emotional fool but you are emotionally so weak.

6. I’m not going to suggest you anything anymore.
7. In first and second sentences I have not given any suggestion. I have left giving suggestions to people.
8. You are people.
9. What you say, comes from your emotional side. You will never die satisfied.
10. I wish you die frustrated, crazy, shouting, depressed, fanatic.
11. I’m also not free from emotions. I also have no control over my emotions.
12. I try to see my emotions.
13. My emotions are stronger that yours. My emotions exist.
14. My emotions are attached with thoughts. They are separate but linked too.

15. Same with my body, breathing, eyes, ….then emotions and thoughts.

16. There is Emotionlessness and Thoughtlessness, both but after Eyes, Breathing and Body.
17. You are caged under emotions. You are imprisoned of your thoughts.
18. Movement is not just moving body.
19. No, I don’t know future.
20. Weakest number is Nineteen. Weakest, useless, handicapped, helpless, poor.
21. All teachings taught by/through words are fake. Symbols are little closer. Hints are more closer. 
22. I wish to die as a monk.

23. Peace in eyes, smile on face.

24. I wish not to be buried or burnt.

25. Liu Ju Hui Neng was most fortunate one.
26. I’m afraid of numbers.
27. I wish never to contact you in future. I would not like to see you and your people.
28. Blood relations also are not true.
29. I see people very smart. Some of them are very intelligent too.
30. We don’t know who is our family. True family sometimes exists far. What we call a family is a boundary. True family is too far.
31. I try not to be driven by emotions. I try to understand what comes to me. I try to see if possible. Still I’m aware whatever is my experience, can be not true.
31. I’m surrounded by words, which contains concepts. I try to be free from concepts too.
32. Food is necessary.
33. Sometimes life lives in eyes, sometimes in tongue.
34. Holy Gate is True Way. I’m fortunate to have Three Treasures.
35. My boat is small. My boat is small.
36. I think, my time is finished. Four years make a complete circle.
37. I wish to share the treasure with all but I’m not authorized.

38. I can give some hints.

39. Again I say – my boat is small.
40. Again I say to clarify – hints are not closer the truth but they indicate to the right way. Hints maybe misunderstood but that’s same with symbols too. Na, words have less possibility to show the way. Mostly words are not true.
41. Buddha, Jiddu Krishnamurti, Hui Neng, Osho, Khalil Jibran, Rumi, Nanak-Kabeer-Raidas-Mira, Lao Zu, Confucius, ..
42. If you are under any or more emotion, you, you are contaminating others too. Better you keep your sadness inside.
43. I don’t have experiences of death. They say, death is a transformation. I will not come back to tell you when I will be dead.
44. Numbers have captured mind. Numbers are not strong. Mind is weak.
45. I’m sleepy.
46. I should sleep.
22:04 Tuesday 18th April 2017

I Am What I Am!

Alok Ulfat sent an invitation msg in Dulari Dhamal Whatsapp group, few days ago. I was not sure to go there but when he asked us all if we were interested to meet him again after a long time, Bhaskar Bhaiya and me replied in positive way. Today was the meeting, like a Get Together of his disciples. Most of actors there came today were new for me. I knew only Bhaskar Bhaiya & Vinay. Sakshi also came there with us but it was her first time to meet Alok.
Well, I didn’t bring anything to eat. Alok asks everyone to bring something for eat. All we share with each other our food, it’s nice tradition he has started in among his disciples.

Note :- Alok doesn’t make desciple!
*
All we people were sitting in veranda in Little Raina, a girl asked me

‘Where are cups?’

I indicated to the kitchen.

She asked again for spoons and I said 

‘There!’ Indicating towards kitchen.

She continued, ‘Are you here….’

‘Na, Im not’ I replied with smile.

Her expression got changed and she moved to the kitchen.
She misunderstood me as Studio Boy, maybe because my clothing was poor. Old red t-shirt, green half pent, torn shoes, ..I was looking dirty because I directly went there after finishing my Tai Chi class in morning. Realizing what she thought me, I said ‘Yeh To Gadbad Ho Gai.’
*
I got in the bus, took ticket for Machhlimar bus stop. I was going to Little Raina, in Aram Nagar to meet Alok Ulfat. I could not recognize the bus stop and was about to get off on Picnic Cottage, but stopped. Two inspectors were already standing there to check passengers’ tickets. Because I was in the gate, they thought me stopped to see them. They came closer to the bus and asked me to show them ticket. I did, then they allowed thr bus to go. Machhlimar bus stop was next.
*
In both of the incidents, I was misunderstood. Ticket checkers thought me a WT while the girl thought me office boy. I am what I am.
I’m not changed.

My clothes were dirty, I was little tired after Tai Chi, I was, maybe smelling too, but I had ticket, and I am not Studio Boy.
*
19:35 Saturday 15th April 2017