Immoving Ocean

A large, stilled, ocean

that one can’t measure,

But floats from a point to the other

 – that can be straight or zigzag,

circular or any.
In deep,

there is no movement, but on surface, it seems moving.

– like air or speed makes it moving 

towards no decided way.
One floats from one point to other.
They call it Time 

– which is nothing but product of their minds.

They see, –

sunrise and sunset everyday,

some seasons repetitively,

and they imagine two points,

and the journey between points

they call it time.
Time doesn’t take anyone to anywhere. 

It’s one who floats,

and thinks

that some distance has been passed, 

some experiences has been gained, 

something good or bad he feels is

from personal perspective,

but Time is, was and will be,

always there

 – same, stilled.
20:16 Monday 12nd June 2017

Fokat Mein!

Cold surface of this table makes me to feel it has no life!
I came here around two hours ago with no purpose. Thought to spend few minutes in AC and leave to visit production houses after filling drinking water in my bottle. Found no audition updates for today match to my look.
Half of the day has already been passed.
It doesn’t mean I have nothing to do. I have a book to translate, I have some monologues to write down on notebook, rituals to mug up, to revise lessons for Chinese language.. so many things I have to utilize this time rather than just been passed.
And I’m typing this, experiencing coldness of the surface of this table.

It’s dead and I’m not dead but we are alike.
14:31 Wednesday 29th March 2017

No Plannings!

​I have no decided plan!
20th’s evening I thought, I would wake up early morning to go for Tai Chi practice then I would come home, then I would to go to Bhaskar Bhaiya’s house for completing the script of play we are planning to perform in near future. I would stay whole day there writing the script.
What happened –

I woke up in 21st’s morning very late around 06:45 am, I had to skip my Tai Chi practice. Then I was cooking meal and got a call from Neeraj Dada for a performance on 27th. I informed to Bhaskar Bhaiya and group to change time of meeting in later half. I went to Neeraj Dada’s place. I understood the project and prepared a performance. The video we sent to the Creative person of the project but she sent us another suggestion. I had to spend entire the day there till late night and after dinner when we were about to start writing a new script according to their reference video, he received another call from a senior who suggested us not to start work until they pay us a little money for confirmation.

We stopped.

I came home late night and slept.

Today I had invited my another friend for the same project at Neeraj Da’s house, and because I couldn’t reveal her what happened about the project, I let her come there. I also reached there so that she may comfortable with new people. We took a kind of voice audition of her.
When we were practicing songs, I received a call for a meeting from a production house. I had to leave the place saying I will be back soon. There at production house I came to know I was called for an audition for a mythological show. Well, performance was ok ok, 6 -7 takes I had to do, and finally the audition guy said OK.
I was in makeup room, got another friend’s call whom I think is helpful to get a movie in recent future. I went to see him and after a short talking I came back to infinity mall, to meet two other friends respectively. I invited both of them at my house for tea. It was a casual talk about street plays, auditions nowadays, etc.
Now at 21:39, I am going to have my dinner. Hope, tomorrow I will be able to go for Tai Chi practices which has been stopped since 11th of March, before Holi festival.
I have no plan for tomorrow because I see all circumstances can be changed and one has to be relying on spontaneity of his mind. Pre-planned schedule is good but I don’t know what and how is about to happen.
It’s good. I’m learning much from life!
21:43 Wednesday 22nd March 2017

बंधक समय

यह स्थिति बड़ी कमज़ोर है – 

जब आप वर्तमान में हों 

भविष्य झूठा हो

अतीत नष्ट हो चुका हो

और वर्तमान भी धीरे धीरे सड़ रहा हो ।
बदबू आने लगी हो

कीड़े बिलबिलाने लगें हो

उम्मीदें खत्म हो चुकी हों

और फिर भी आप ज़िंदा हों

अश्वत्थामा की तरह ।
शापित, कुपित, व्यथित – 

अगर समय है तो गुज़रता भी हो

जीवन है तो मृत्यु भी हो

सुबह दिन हो बिना शाम की

तो बेहतर है सुबह न हो ।
वहाँ पर उन्मादी उत्पाती है

नशे में मर कर दफ्न हो चुके

जिनका ऑर्फन हो चुका समय

बंधक हो चौक पे बैठा है

टूटे डस्टबिन के पास ।
15:39 Monday 17th October 2016

Moment With Confidence

A dancer dances

He knows he is dancing

That is confidence.
Before the dance, the thought ‘I will dance, well or not’ is Guman on self for future which actually doesn’t exist so far.
After dance, the thought ‘I danced ,well or not, is past which has already been gone forever.
So, I believe

Knowing, Being, Becoming

Blowing, Flowing, is confidence

And it has no independent existence apart from present,

Apart from the moment.

I was in a social gathering after a show to discuss about further planning. I was not feeling well. I stayed quiet, put my review just in two lines only when I was asked. Someone pulled me and I was about to fall. Physically I was feeling too weak. I was not confident.

I was in a workshop. The director thought me a newcomer. He asked me to perform a solo piece. I did Hamsa Kar Ley Kilol’s “ek hathe pahilwan..” with full confidence.

If mind is with moment, aware about what is going on, what is being done,

The mind may or may not control the activity,

But it knows the moment.
They, who were killed in massacres

Maybe aware of what was being done with them.

The Palestinian boy who was shot dead, maybe having the moment before his death.

Socrates knew he was drinking poisonous drink and would be going to die.

Dancer, Singer, Actor, any performer, has to be confident, to be with moment, to be in present, without judging either it’s right or wrong.
We all have to perform, before different people in different times with different conditions. We are confident when we are with moment. 

07:36 am Monday

8th of August 2016

Unfocused Mind With Limited Time

I don’t practice Tai Chi at home. I do not do my homework I get in Chinese language class. I have almost left practicing to improve my acting skill. My physical activities are none nowadays.

– and today a friend gave me Albert Camus’ THE FALL, to read and think if we can perform it as a play.
Time is limited, the same 24 hours for everyone. I do not spend much time on Facebook. Writing here I do for myself and it’s as important for me as breathing.
I have this single night to read the book, to do homework for language, to practice Tai chi.
Mind must be focused on what I’m doing. It’s best option I can do to save my time. One work at a time.

Actually what happens, mind goes to think other things related to the topic, for instance, I was reading my Chinese class’ register and mind started thinking about what all should I talk to the community when next time I will go to fotang.
Mind is not fucused -the problem most of us face in their lives.

Mind is always in past or in future. The future what mind thinks about is actually it’s imagination which is sometimes born from desires mind wants to do in future, or wanted to do in past. Sometimes the imagination is projection by mind with pictures.
So mind is always on run -and so it becames a philosophical problem. It rarely stays in present.
Mind controls the body. It controls and governs our behaviour. Ok everyone knows that. How mind in controlling the body and behaviour -needs very sharp observation without involving in process. Staying away from mind and body to see it’s relation and controlling game is interesting.
A focused mind is in control. If I could control my mind, I would be IAS officer.

It’s new job to have an eye on mind and behaviour, thoughts and emotions, impact on body of thoughts and emotions, etc. 
I’m sleepy and if I sleep with blank mind, I hope to wake up tomorrow with pure mind.
01:21 am Thursday

4th of August 2016

Suffering Is Bigger Than Death


I ate 5 parathaas with karela.
It was my brunch and I’m not supposed to eat anymore today.

Some people believe, Life lasts until one finishes all foods prepared for him. When one has consumed all foods he was given, life comes to its end -: it’s not my thought  neither I believe in such theories. I don’t know when and why one dies. *what about those who keep eating whole day? They eat fast food every time. They become fatty and oversized human body but they die only when their time comes to go.

If I reduce my breath rate to zero level, will I be alive forever or die? Some people used to suggest, if you breath less, you’ll enhance time of your life. They think (they believe), everyone is given (by god or imaginary one in sky) a limited quantity of oxygen. If we don’t

It’s sure (as for now, 2016) that everybody will die, everyone who was born is going to die, still I see people not afraid of death. Yes, nobody wants to die but they are not afraid to die. I see people avoiding pain not death. I have never seen anyone who is afraid of death if it’s without pain.

Pain or suffering is greatest fear for all, I see. Either they are small creature or bigger animals, they try to avoid suffering. Death is sure and it’s not frightful. Those who commit suicide, found suffering in life is greater than death. They chose death over painful life.

I wish, everyone could know about his death time and date and death would be painless, peaceful.

I can’t say pain and suffering is same but they are similar and disliked by all living beings :- ok, why do people chew tobacco or drink wine hence tobacco and wines tastes unpleasant?

I ate 5 paraatha with karela. Karela is bitter but favourite for many people.

31st of May
2016, Tue.